Stress!

Stress can make you gain weight... and I have defiantly been stressed lately!  Between work and home there has been a great deal of stress lately.  AND, I'm PMSing (I think...still...) which doesn't help things.  AND, I gained 3 pounds last week and was lazy and didn't work out :(  So, all in all lots of things to be bummed about and depressed about.  When I'm depressed I eat, I'm an emotional eater.  Although, lately I've been dealing with my emotions better and really not eating unless I'm hungry!  :)  And, my efforts have paid off, I LOST 2 pounds!!  Yeah me!!  Even though all my laziness and feeling blah I still LOST!  Now, I'm not back to where I was when I first started all this, 252.5 lbs, but I didn't gain any more!  Currently I am at 253.5 lbs.  Slow going but that is the best way to do it and everyone has ups and downs.  You just can't let the downs get you too down and you have to listen to your body and not just pay attention to the number on the scale.  Remember, weight is just a number.  I usually try to judge by how my clothes fit and how I see myself in the mirror.  Recently both of those gauges have improved!  And the better I feel about myself the better I do :)  Well, back to the trenches of work!  Yes, I'm a teacher and I am still doing work at almost 9:00 pm.  Don't you want to teach?!  It is a wonderful weight loss plan, run up and down stairs all day, constantly walk around a classroom, no time to eat because of lunch duty :)

Lazy!

Oh my gosh I have been SO lazy lately!  I haven't even kept a food journal over the weekend.  I would be surprised if I DIDN'T gain wait this week! These things happen though and all I can do is start fresh again tomorrow with the exercising.  I did keep my food journal today :)

Victory!

I really think I am starting to PMS. I'm really irritable and emotional.  I've gained weight in spite of eating right and starting to exercise, I've been craving carbs. And I've been super tired lately.  All classic signs of PMS for me.  I am really hoping my recent weight gain is because of PMS.  I have been crazy all day.  ALL of my classes have been getting on my nerves.  Usually it is only 1 or 2 classes a day not ALL of them!  Little things that usually don't matter are pissing me off.  Today is a grumpy day.  Grrrr, and, I feel a diet slip coming on too.  When I PMS I get even MORE munchie!  Oh, I hope I can make it home without stopping.
So, you may be wondering why, since I've been griping about PMS, this post is titled Victory.  The answer to that is because I DIDN'T stop on my way home from work today!  I made it home with no fast food :)  Granted I ate two Fiber One Bars and an apple but that is better than fast food.  When I got home I went to Wal*Mart and bought some exercise equipment too, as a reward to myself.  I got ankle/wrist weights, an exercise ball, and a jump rope.  I figure I can use all of those while in front of the TV which works for me.  When making dinner I didn't let my food craving get in the way either.  I made baked potatoes.  I ate mine with Sour Cream (2 Tbsp, serving size), cheese, bacon bits, and tomatoes.  I'll probably have some Special K cereal for dessert later.

Heavy

Yesterday was looking like a rough day early in the morning.  First, I GAINED 3 pounds this week!  Arrrg...  It is things like that that make me want to give up.  I have done everything right this week, I've been getting more exercise, I've been eating better, I'm feeling better, but I still GAINED weight?!?  How is this possible?  Water weight?  Grrrr...  So, this already has be blah yesterday.  Then I discover that I have lost a binder at work!  Now, this binder is NOT mine and it is the 2nd one I've lost!  This is crazy!  I keep them in a locked room :(  Again, Grrrr...  I guess the only thing I can do is fess up (again) and offer to pay for them.
Now, normally this would send me running for my food.  I mean, I've been trying for a whole week giving it all I've got and what happens?  I gain weight?!?  AHHHHH!!  Why even bother?  Then, something else makes me feel bad, the prospect of getting in trouble at work, a deep seated issue that goes back years.  So, here it is 7 days in and I have my biggest test so far.
This is the time I remind myself of a few things:  1.  This competition may end in April but the life changes I make during the process will last for the rest of my life.  2.  This is a marathon not a sprint.  I need to be in this for the long haul and not worry about a little set back.  3.  I've been through hard times at work and in life before and I have survived.  This is no different (at least my performance eval. is good this time!)  4.  Weight changes for several reasons.  I intend to research those reasons and make a future blog post about them.  I know time of day, clothing, and time of month can affect weight.
As the day progressed I started feeling better.  I started researching reasons for weight gain and I had planned to buy a scale on my way home and probably some weights too (this didn't happen by the way so now the plan is to purchase one today).
I started watching a new show on A&E called HEAVY.  It comes on Monday nights and is very good.  I am so very greatful that I am not that size.  It is by the grace of God that I am not that size.  It is so inspirational to me to see these stories.  It really makes me think if these people can lose weight so can I!

A family affair

Ever since I can remember I have struggled with weight and body image.  I know my mom struggled with weight too.  She is doing awesome though and I look forward to joining her.  I think part of my weight issues come from when I was younger and how I learned to eat and what/when I learned to eat.  Now I am having to retrain my body and my mind to form better eating habits.  I am discovering this is defiantly a family affair, from my mom to my mother-in-law.  Today was a really good day.  Well, most of it anyway.  I did have a melt down this morning.  I was making breakfast for my husband and EVERYTHING was going wrong.  Dishes I had created before with no problems were not cooking and other things were burning.  My husband had made a comment last night about making the presentation of food on a plate pretty.  Well, that was NOT happening this morning.  I felt like I was letting my husband down which only made it worse.  I got mad, he got mad, we had a fight.  But things settled down and we made up.  I made it up to him at dinner tonight.  I made stuffed Portabello Mushrooms.  I even made them look pretty and had them waiting for him when he got home from work :)  I am dragging my family along with me on my journey of better eating.  I went shopping while my husband was at work and got all fresh food.  We have been doing really well with our son Oliver and feeding him good food even though we don't eat good ourselves.  I have been trying really hard to raise my son with healthy food habits.  After my little episode  this morning the rest of the day went well.  Bobby and I relaxed and pretty much just chilled until it was time for him to go to work.  After he went to work I did laundry, cleaned up some, and made dinner.  I have noticed since I started eating better, even though it has only been a week, that I have had a lot more energy and so has my husband!  I told my mother-in-law about this blog.  She has always supported my various weight loss efforts even when they failed.  I hope she reads my blog and I won't let her down this time!  In the end though I know I must do this for me.  I really think this blog will help me stay on track and stay focused.  I even found a story on Yahoo about other people who have used blogs as a weight loss tool.  I'm off to do some reading!  Check back later because I'm sure I'll start following some of these blogs :)

Sticks and Stones

I've been thinking a great deal lately about how much words can hurt and how one carelessly said comment can ruin a week's worth of building up self esteem and body image.  Here are some examples from my life:  You'd have a really pretty face, if it were a bit thinner (in college), you sound out of breath (several times after walking up a flight of stairs), Are you Ok? (people ask me this often because I guess I look like I'm limping a lot?), You are getting a little chubby, there is some pie in the kitchen (years ago from my grandma).  Some of these things were said by acquaintances, friends, family, and coworkers.  I know, or at least I would hope, that these things were not said with malice.  The effect was the same though.  It hurt.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I'm sad, happy, depressed, mad, bored, and hurt.  I know I need to work on this and redirect my energy.  I have to find a better way to handle my emotions and deal with them with no food involved.  The last time I experienced hurt I failed at this goal, I went to KFC.  But I have been doing better on the boredom front!  I have done well with my no food after 8pm rule ( I had desert after 8 tonight but I was really hungry and not bored and I ate healthy not junk!).  : )

Baby Steps

Well, my hubby wanted to order pizza tonight.  That was cool with me because I didn't really want to cook myself.  However, I didn't want to ruin my diet or our budget!  So, I ordered 2 small pizzas:  one pacific veggie with  Roasted red peppers, spinach, onions, mushrooms, tomatoes and black olives with feta and provolone cheeses on a Parmesan asiago crust and one America's Favorite Feast pizza with pepperoni, mushrooms, and sausage; and cheese sticks.  I ordered that instead of what I usually/use to order:  2 LARGE America's Favorite Feast Pizza, Cheese sticks (sometimes two orders), a 2 liter of coke, and sometimes even boneless chicken buffalo wings!  When it got here I only had ONE piece of cheese bread, not 2 like usual, and three pieces of a small (not a large) VEGGIE pizza!  Definitely steps in the right direction :)  And for desert strawberries, bananas, blueberries, honey, and Greek Yogurt!

Productive Day!

Well, I did Zumba for the first time today.  It was more like a dance class than an exercise class.  I'm bummed that I won't be able to go next week :(  but I will be working.  At least I'll be doing something productive and it is not a case of I'm too lazy to drag my fat butt out of bed!  Having a three year old and a working husband helps with that though.  When the hubby is gone and the baby is up you have to be up too!  So, got up and dressed and ready to go.  I was 40 minutes early and the second person there.  Which was good because the first person there had the keys.  After Zumba I headed out to grocery shop.  I had started to plan my trip last night.  I got out some books and started looking through them.  I used the book Eat This, Not That and some recipes to create my list.  I ended up going to four stores to grocery shop today.  Not one, FOUR!  I usually only go to Wal*Mart or Food Lion not BOTH, let alone four stores!  I started out going to World Market on Abercorn.  I didn't find much there but I did get some spices:  Cinnamon, Thyme, and Basil.  Then I went to Fresh Market and got some fresh mozzarella, Salmon (fresh), and Red Wine Vinegar. Fresh Market is AWESOME but expensive.  After that I came home to drop off my fresh stuff and pick up my baby to head to Wal*Mart.  At Wal*Mart I got more wonderful fresh food:  onions, potatoes, Portabella mushrooms, train mix, oats, Crasins, and Greek yogurt among other things.  Took the baby home and on the way heard that they are having a Cash for Gold expo right here in Port Wentworth.  So, I rounded up my gold, which I was planning on selling anyway, and headed out again.  I was surprised at how much I got for it.  Then, off to Food Lion for the last bit of groceries:  Special K Cereal (on sale there), Frozen veggies, and lettuce/spinach.  Finally home to rest and relax after my very productive day!

When Crackers Aren't Enough

Continuing on day 3.  I found out today that the pot for the Biggest Loser at work is sitting at $150.00 right now.  That is pretty good!  Also, I'm going to take a Zumba class on Saturday, wish me luck!  It is a class they are offering at work for only $2.00 per person per class.  I'll try it at least once!  I'm also going to continue my walking around the school and I'm going to order a Hula Workout DVD set from Amazon.com too.  I've had that particular video set before and enjoyed it a great deal.  I think I let a friend borrow it and I never got it back...It would probably be better at this point (brief pause while I do some work I just remembered I needed to do and go walking) to just order it again since it was lent out sometime around 5 years ago!  I am really looking forward to Zumba class.  Time to Dance My A** Off   :)
Ok, now on to the title of this post.  Sometimes, crackers are not enough of a snack on the way home from work :(  I found this out today when I was suddenly struck with a craving for KFC.  And, it got worse cause I actually STOPPED at KFC and ORDERED food!  UGH...  It is like an addiction only you can't quit completely.  Though, I have cut back on my fast food eating.  I use to stop a few times a week on my way home and now I usually don't stop.  And, on another positive note, I did not come home and have dinner which I use to do as well.  I use to eat a full meal from a fast food place not 5 min from my house, come home and less than 30 minutes later have dinner!  How crazy was I.  Tonight all I had was the KFC, no dinner once I got home.  They may be small steps but they are steps in the right direction I think.  Tomorrow I'll have to exercise extra!

My Body : My Temple :: My Home : My Castle

My body is my temple as my home is my castle and up until recently I haven't been acting like it!  I use to always think if I was going to take pride in my home then I had to own it.  I mean, what was the point of taking pride in it if I didn't own it?  Over the years of being out of my parent's house I have realized that the point of taking pride in my residence, even if I don't own it, was because I had to live there and if I didn't take care of what I had why should I be blessed with anything more?  So, I do take pride in my house.  Even though I know I'm not going to be here the rest of my life I'm going to enjoy it for the time I have it.  So over the weekend we picked up, rearranged, and hung pictures on the walls.  It feels so much better to come home now!  I don't need to wait till I own a home to feel at home!
For a long time I did the same thing with my body.  I don't have the body I want so why bother making it look nice at all?  Why bother caring what I looked like?  Why buy nice clothes?  Because, in the end they were going on my body and I didn't like my body.  Now though I do take pride in the way I look.  I buy nice clothes because I like them.  I buy clothes that flatter my body even with my size.  And, in doing this I have started to feel better about myself.  I have started to have more self confidence.  Because of all of this I'm finding weight loss easier for now and now is all I'm worried about.  I guess Fake it till you Make it really does work!  Faking feeling/looking attractive is slowly leading to Actually feeling/looking (to me) attractive.  I don't need to wait till I am ,what society calls, attractive to feel attractive!

The toughest time of day (night)

I don't know about you but the hardest time of day for me is night time.  Like right now, when I'm watching Food Network and I'm wanting to eat something SO bad and it would be so easy too.  No one would have to know, the kids are asleep, my husband is at work (usually, he's home sick tonight), and I am up all by myself.  I would know though!  And, since my whole thing is doing this for ME the fact that I would know should be enough... should be... but not always is.  So far tonight I've done good.  Yeah me!  I attribute that mostly to working on this blog all night.  It has helped keep me focused on my goal.
So, anyway, night time is the wrong time for me when it comes to eating.  I snack and I snack on the WRONG things!  I'm like yummy, white bread with butter (and once even sugar!) nom nom nom!  Baby steps though, tonight my husband handed me some crackers and I turned them down!  Yeah me!  Focus on success.  I'm setting myself a time limit now, after 8 no more snacking... I'll let you know how that goes... 
In addition to doing research for this blog in the evenings I'm going to begin posting a food/workout journal every night as well, again, to help keep me focused and on track.  And, I also plan to post weekly pictures of my progress.  Now, the whole picture thing could go one of two ways:  Absolutely wonderful success look how small I am!  OR Horrible crushing failure oh my God it has been 16 weeks and I'm still a fat heifer cow!  Let's all hope for the former shall we.

 

New Life, New Year, New ME!

Well, the title pretty much says it all!  I've started a new life with my family is Savannah, it is the start of 2011 a brand new year, and the begining of a new, and hopefully smaller, me!  I officially started working on the Me part of this trilogy today.  I started participating in a program at work called "The Biggest Loser".  Basically you pay in and in a few months whoever has lost the biggest precentage of body weight wins the pot!  There is a potential for $450-$900 here!  The money is an awesome motivator.
So, today I begin my weight loss journey 2011.  I have tried in the past, in high school, in college, when I was pregnate and always the same results...  I would lose some but then nothing.  I would level off and lose no more or *gasp* gain some, most, or all of it back!  So, one may ask themselves "You've been doing this for almost 15 years!  And, have had nothing but failure, why continue?  Why not accept your size and move on?  I mean, you are happily married, you have two beautiful children, a career, life is good!  Why suffer and potentially gain nothing (of a lot of unwanted somethings) from it?"  The answer to this, which I believe will be the key to my success, is that now, finally after 15 years of trying, I am doing this for ME!  Not for a man, not for my friends, family, new clothes, or anything else but for me.  So, with everything going right lets get going!
My starting weight is, are you ready for it...  252.5 pounds!  Now, that is a lot but in itself is pretty good considering in Aug. of 2010 I weighed 275 pounds :)  All this walking at work is paying off.  And hopefully, if I continue to be mindful of what I eat, how I eat, and exercise (which I also started doing today) it will continue to pay off and I can reach my goal and win some money!