Impressions and Judgement

There is no second change to make a first impression.  That statement is so very true and unfortunately  you have no choice in what that impression is.  I have not done a scientific study, I have not posted a poll on Facebook but I have been trolling the interwebs and here are some of the first impressions people get of overweight individuals: they are undisciplined, lazy, they smell bad, they eat all the time, sympathy, disgust, they are weak, they are spineless, they are greedy, hatred, they sweat a lot...
To know that this is how some, not all, people think of overweight individuals, like me, really gets to me and makes me a little depressed actually.  First impressions and judgement go hand in hand.  We all make snap judgements and I know that loosing weight will not stop people from judging me any more than it will stop me from judging others, yeah, I know you're shocked right?  I just don't want people to judge me the way they do now.  I want to change some of that judgement.  Many of the impressions people have, that I found on line, are really misconceptions... and some of them are not, at least for me.  I am lazy, I am undisciplined, I can be greedy, and at times I eat all the time.  In addition at times I am emotionally weak and I turn to food.  However, I don't smell bad (unless I don't shower and anyone would smell unless they shower) I'm not spineless, and I don't sweat any more than any other normal human being (stay tuned for a future post on that topic).
Now disgust, yeah I feel disgust.  I am disgusted with myself.  I don't like the way I look or the way I feel.  I am disgusted by how I act and how I am showing my kids to eat and treat food.  At least I am still here and, other than the being overweight, I am healthy.  I am capable of, and am, changing my life for the better!

Life's a Beach

So, through all the craziness of life my family and I ended up in Savannah, a place I never thought I would live.  We spent all day yesterday at the beach and it was a blast!  I use to not like the beach.  I hated going to the beach.  Up until we moved to Savannah I really had not spent so much time at the beach, we lived a long way from the beach up in N. Ga.  There were several reasons why I didn't like the beach.  I don't like the taste of salt water for one, but as a friend of mine said "No one is saying use a straw" :)  I also didn't like being out in the sun so much, I burn really easily.  Even with sunscreen I still crispy fry :(  but beach umbrellas solve that problem, SHADE!!  But the biggest reason I didn't like going to the beach was that I hated the way I looked in a swim suit.  I still hate the way I look in a swim suit but I'm not as bad now and I'm not going to let that get in the way of having fun with my family.

 I think that I look much better now than I have in the past.  I attribute that to having a younger looking swim suite not to me really looking any better.  All the swim suits I've had in the past have been dark colored and pretty drab all in all.  The current swim suit I have though is bright and colorful and makes me feel and ,I think, look younger.  Another thing I've noticed now that I actually live at the beach and have been going there more is that people of all shapes and sizes go to the beach.

It is not all ubber skinny attractive people going to the beach.  And,
as much as I hate to admit it, not everyone is there looking at me!  Imaging that, I'm not the center of the universe! Mostly I just have to get over myself and not allow my addition, yes for me I think food is an addiction, and my weight get in the way of me living my life.  I'm doing what I need to do to get things under control as far as my weight, my eating, and my self image go.

 I will LOVE being able to walk around the beach when I'm all skinny and in shape and I will feel better about myself.  Until then I will love being on the beach with my family and having fun with my kids.  They don't care what I look like they just want to be around me.  Especially the little one, all he wants me to do it play with him and run around with him. He is a big reason why I'm wanting to get in shape too, not just loose weight.  When he says to me "run mommy" I want to be able to run with him, keep up with him, and not be out of breath at the end of the run.

Heavy

Yesterday was looking like a rough day early in the morning.  First, I GAINED 3 pounds this week!  Arrrg...  It is things like that that make me want to give up.  I have done everything right this week, I've been getting more exercise, I've been eating better, I'm feeling better, but I still GAINED weight?!?  How is this possible?  Water weight?  Grrrr...  So, this already has be blah yesterday.  Then I discover that I have lost a binder at work!  Now, this binder is NOT mine and it is the 2nd one I've lost!  This is crazy!  I keep them in a locked room :(  Again, Grrrr...  I guess the only thing I can do is fess up (again) and offer to pay for them.
Now, normally this would send me running for my food.  I mean, I've been trying for a whole week giving it all I've got and what happens?  I gain weight?!?  AHHHHH!!  Why even bother?  Then, something else makes me feel bad, the prospect of getting in trouble at work, a deep seated issue that goes back years.  So, here it is 7 days in and I have my biggest test so far.
This is the time I remind myself of a few things:  1.  This competition may end in April but the life changes I make during the process will last for the rest of my life.  2.  This is a marathon not a sprint.  I need to be in this for the long haul and not worry about a little set back.  3.  I've been through hard times at work and in life before and I have survived.  This is no different (at least my performance eval. is good this time!)  4.  Weight changes for several reasons.  I intend to research those reasons and make a future blog post about them.  I know time of day, clothing, and time of month can affect weight.
As the day progressed I started feeling better.  I started researching reasons for weight gain and I had planned to buy a scale on my way home and probably some weights too (this didn't happen by the way so now the plan is to purchase one today).
I started watching a new show on A&E called HEAVY.  It comes on Monday nights and is very good.  I am so very greatful that I am not that size.  It is by the grace of God that I am not that size.  It is so inspirational to me to see these stories.  It really makes me think if these people can lose weight so can I!

Sticks and Stones

I've been thinking a great deal lately about how much words can hurt and how one carelessly said comment can ruin a week's worth of building up self esteem and body image.  Here are some examples from my life:  You'd have a really pretty face, if it were a bit thinner (in college), you sound out of breath (several times after walking up a flight of stairs), Are you Ok? (people ask me this often because I guess I look like I'm limping a lot?), You are getting a little chubby, there is some pie in the kitchen (years ago from my grandma).  Some of these things were said by acquaintances, friends, family, and coworkers.  I know, or at least I would hope, that these things were not said with malice.  The effect was the same though.  It hurt.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I'm sad, happy, depressed, mad, bored, and hurt.  I know I need to work on this and redirect my energy.  I have to find a better way to handle my emotions and deal with them with no food involved.  The last time I experienced hurt I failed at this goal, I went to KFC.  But I have been doing better on the boredom front!  I have done well with my no food after 8pm rule ( I had desert after 8 tonight but I was really hungry and not bored and I ate healthy not junk!).  : )