Motivation, making excuses, and the heat

I have found in the last couple of days that I have been totally unmotivated to write for my blog.  I read recently on a website that said motivation and willpower are the offspring of desire.  I think this is very true.  I am more motivated to do something when I have a strong desire to do it or for the results of doing it.  I make less excuses when I am motivated.  Making excuses can be my down fall in all this.  Usually making excuses becomes a habit and I stop exercising, eating right, and doing other things that I know are good for me.  It has happened in the past and I have to work very hard to see that it doesn't happen in the future.  One of my favorite excuses I could use here lately is the "it is too hot to exercise".  Even with a heat index of 106 degrees that is still a pitiful excuse and really complete BS.  It may be to hot to do anything outside like bike riding but it is not to hot to go to Curves and exercise inside in the air conditioning!   Even in this extreme heat I have to stay focused on my goal, looking better with less clothes on ;)  which will be nice in the heat.  I have to keep my desire and motivation alive in the heat and not let excuses get in my way!  Stay tuned after my weight loss ABC's for motivational Monday.  Here is a sneak peak of the kind of stuff it will feature.

Inspiration and God's Grace

So, for the past few days I have been catching up on the A&E show Heavy.  My post earlier today was about the show.  After writing the post I watched a few more episodes.  On one episode there was a woman, from Atlanta Georgia, who started at around 250 pounds like me.  In six months she was down to around 160.  One of her motivations was her mother who had passed away because of cancer.  She took her mother's bike with her to the facility and was able to get one of the coaches there to ride bikes home with her, back to Atlanta, an almost 350 mile trip!
I didn't go to Curves today, it is my anniversary and I figured I would take it easy.  However, after watching that episode I was inspired to get out on my bike and go for a ride.  My goal was 30 minutes of riding.  So, off I go.  I do my usual route and make it back to the library where I started and it had only been 14 minutes :(  I decided to try to make it to 20 minutes at least and maybe, after making it to 20, it would be easier to get to 30 min.  So, off I go again, this time down a different road.  And at the end of this road I see this:

It was like God was saying, come on, you can do this!  It was so inspiring that I kept on going.  I made my round one more time and got back to the library with 4 minutes to go.  I started heading home thinking well, if I get there a minute early that is ok... Then, NO!  I will not cheat myself out of one minute because I'm lazy!  So, I went around the library to make sure I got in my full 30 minutes.  I made it!  With some inspiration and God's grace I was able to do it!

Heavy

There is a show on A&E called Heavy.  The show follows two individuals on their journey to weight loss and healthy living.  They spend one month in a facility and then 5 months at home continuing their journey.  If they fail to make progress they have to return to the treatment facility.  I think the name of this show is very appropriate.  Not only does it deal with heavy people but also with their heavy issues.  I really like that this show deals with real people in real life and they have to learn how to deal just like I do.  It really illustrates how it is not all about the food.  My problem is not eating.  The way I eat is a symptom.  My problem is not knowing how to handle my emotions.  Just about everyone on the show is an emotional eater just like me.  They just won't admit it.
Later in the series they focus on a different facility Hilton Head Health.  I think this is cool because this facility is really close to where I live!  This is a different format though because instead of spending 5 months at home the participants spend the entire 6 months in the facility.  I don't really like this because I wonder how this affects they dealing with issues in their home environment.  I really believe the the key to long term weight loss is a life style change.  How can you change your lifestyle if you are not really living your life?  Anyway, I do see the benefit of it though.  Six months seems like a long enough time to form new habits which will hopefully carry over when they leave the facility.  I have not watched enough episodes to see if they eventually switch back to the other facility.  I still really like the show.  If these people can do it then so can I!
A quote I heard on one of the earlier shows that I really like is " Your body needs to know you are alive" and that is so true!

All about you!

I have been trying to loose weight for about 10 years now and in that time I have discovered a few things.  The main one is that if you are trying to loose weight for someone else you will most likely fail (at least in my case).  For years my main reason for loosing weight was the fact I wanted to look like what society said an attractive female should look like.  I wanted to look like what I thought guys wanted a girl to look like.  Then I found a wonderful man who loved me even when I felt unlovable, who desired me even when I didn't feel desirable.  So then I thought well, maybe I don't really need to loose weight.  Then I got pregnant and I thought, Oh now I will loose weight for the baby!  I did ok while I was pregnant and then I had a very healthy baby boy... and maintained my pre-pregnancy weight AHHHHH!!!!!  Now, for some this would be a cause for celebration. Yeah!  Pre-peggers weight back!! Not when you weighed almost 300 pounds BEFORE your pregnancy.  So, finally here I am 10 years later and not  pound lighter (in fact, quite a few pounds heavier actually) and I've finally decided I want to loose weight for ME.  I want to loose so I will be happy, healthy, joyous, and free.  And, in doing this for me I will end up doing it for my family as well.  Weight loss is a very personal  and individual journey and your reasons need to be very personal, individual, and ALL ABOUT YOU!  
And thus concludes the first A entry of the ABC's of weight loss :)

Newton's First Law

For those of you that don't know, Newton's First Law of Motion is known as Inertia.  It basically states that an object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion unless acted on by an outside force.  At this point some of you might be wondering what this has to do with weight lose.  The "object at rest" part, yeah, that applies to me.  Yesterday was the first day I went to Curves as a full fledged member.  Actually getting off my big ol' lazy but and going though was difficult.  My husband had cooked breakfast for us and it would have been so easy to just finish breakfast and continue to lay around until it was time to get ready for the beach (yes, I actually braved going out in a swimsuit!).  I didn't just lay around though, I MADE myself get up and get ready and drive out and do my workout.  You know what?  It made me feel SO much better after I went!  I had much more energy all day and I was in a much better mood too!  So, as the Nike saying goes " JUST DO IT!"

Smokin Curves

Have you ever had one of those times when you feel like even your best efforts get thwarted?  Well, I had one of those days the other day.  I'm finally on summer vacation which means (a little) more free time!  This means time to exercise!  But, just as I get some time to bike again it gets all smoky outside :-(  So this would be counterproductive, let’s go ride bikes to lose weight but it is so smoky outside you'll get asthma!  I tried one day in the afternoon to ride and I only made it about 15 min before not being able to breathe.  Because of this I had to come up with another plan.  I have an exercise ball and I have a jump rope I could use, though I can't really use the jump rope inside, the ceilings are too low.  Plus, I wanted more of a workout than just the exercise ball.  That is when a new plan was hatched.
Years ago, when I was in college and I lived out in Temple I joined a gym called Curves and I actually did pretty good there.  Over the years though with life happening I canceled my membership and I stopped going.  Now, I am in a better place all around and I think it would be a good time to start back up!  And, Curves has teemed up with Zumba to offer a Zumba circut at least once a week!  You have seen what I have to say about Zumba on my Get Moving! page and I really like it.  Though, unfortunatly, I have not been to any more Zumba classes at Beach since that one :(  Totally  my own lazyness it has nothing to do with the actual workout.  I still like Zumba.  I like Curves too, as I said before, I did well when I actually went there.
 I like Curves for several reasons:

• it is an all female environment
• the environment is very up-beat, positive, and inviting
• they take your measurements not just your weight

I have an appointment on Monday at 8:30 am to fill out my paperwork and do a refresher course on the circut.  If I can get it moved to today I will but I don't know if that will work with my work schedule.  I will keep you updated though and put more information on the Get Moving! page :)

Choices

There is a George Jones song called Choices that has really been resonating with me lately.  Our life is basically a series of choices and the consequences of those choices.  I'm now living through the consequences of choices that were made years ago, and some that were made yesterday :)
For example, yesterday I went to lunch from some ladies from work and I made the choice to have salad and mostly vegetables with one piece of cube stake and one helping of peach cobbler. Pretty good in my opinion!  Then last night I chose to have a piece of lemon meringue pie for dessert, not the greatest choice... though I did only have one piece of pie and not 2!  Then, today, at lunch I chose to have a panini and a cup of fruit, good choice, but before that I chose to have 2 pieces of pizza, not such a good choice.  But, both were choices I made and as embarrassing as it is that is it, no one to blame by myself!  Well, I'll make better choices starting now :)  That is a great thing it is never too late to make good choices even if it is 7:00pm at night.
Another choice I make is weather or not to be active.  Usually I choose not to be active :(  However, I'm getting better with it.  Having a 3 year old will do that for ya!

LOOOONNNGGGG time no see!

Yes, yes, I know it has been WAY to long since the last time I wrote!  The most I can say for that is that life sometimes gets in the way.  As far as my weight goes, the scale still reads around 255lbs but I feel better about myself.  I've also been taking a One A Day multivitamin that has a metabolism booster in it.  I think that is helping a great deal as well.  I'm really looking forward to writing more now that summer is here, not that I will be any less busy but hopefully writing more :)
I feel better about myself over all this year than I did this time last year.  This time last year I was jobless and pretty depressed about everything.  This year I'm gainfully employed, looking forward to spending my summer bettering myself for my career, and I feel better about the way I look regardless of what the scale says.  I've started dressing better, like I actually care what I look like, and I got contacts :)  I LOVE having contacts.  They defiantly make me feel better about myself.  Overall my self confidence is MUCH higher than it was last year!  Good times, good times. 
Promise I'll do better with writing though. :)

The February Funk

I haz it.  Those of you that like icanhazcheeseburger.com will get that!  So, here we are in March and the Feb. Funk has hit me HARD!  As you can probably tell from my lack of blogging in the past month or so.  I bet I've even gained weight :(  not that I would know because I have not been weighing...  But, I have been doing well with my not eating after 8.  I have not been doing well with the fast food.  Above all else that is my weakness.  I've been tired and stressed and I'm an emotional eater so that has been rough and I've given in over and over again. 
But, March is a new month and we can always start fresh.  I still believe I will end this year weighing less than I did when it started!  Back in the saddle.  LET'S DO THIS!

Back on the Wagon!

So, I'm sure most everyone is aware that I have not posted in a LONG time!  I could offer several reasons:  Start of a new semester so crazy busy at work, PMSing so Super tired at home, crazy shuffling kids here and there blah blah blah but we all know the truth, these are all EXCUSES!  Well, starting today no more excuses!  I'm going to get back to writing EVERY or at least every OTHER day!  And, I'm going to post a new picture.  I'm thinking of doing monthly pictures instead of weekly pictures.  I've been good and bad in the time since I last posted anything.  I did go see my mother this weekend, a 4 hour trip one way.  So on the way there and back I had fast food, and I've had fast food for the past 2 days also :(  But... I did resist the urge for ice cream and I opted for frozen yogurt with fruit.  And... tomorrow is a new day and I can do better!  I'll have to weigh in tomorrow as I forgot to today.  The last time I weighed in I think I was at 254 which is down from the last time I weighed but up from my original weight.  Things will improve though.  Time to get back on the wagon!

Stress!

Stress can make you gain weight... and I have defiantly been stressed lately!  Between work and home there has been a great deal of stress lately.  AND, I'm PMSing (I think...still...) which doesn't help things.  AND, I gained 3 pounds last week and was lazy and didn't work out :(  So, all in all lots of things to be bummed about and depressed about.  When I'm depressed I eat, I'm an emotional eater.  Although, lately I've been dealing with my emotions better and really not eating unless I'm hungry!  :)  And, my efforts have paid off, I LOST 2 pounds!!  Yeah me!!  Even though all my laziness and feeling blah I still LOST!  Now, I'm not back to where I was when I first started all this, 252.5 lbs, but I didn't gain any more!  Currently I am at 253.5 lbs.  Slow going but that is the best way to do it and everyone has ups and downs.  You just can't let the downs get you too down and you have to listen to your body and not just pay attention to the number on the scale.  Remember, weight is just a number.  I usually try to judge by how my clothes fit and how I see myself in the mirror.  Recently both of those gauges have improved!  And the better I feel about myself the better I do :)  Well, back to the trenches of work!  Yes, I'm a teacher and I am still doing work at almost 9:00 pm.  Don't you want to teach?!  It is a wonderful weight loss plan, run up and down stairs all day, constantly walk around a classroom, no time to eat because of lunch duty :)

Victory!

I really think I am starting to PMS. I'm really irritable and emotional.  I've gained weight in spite of eating right and starting to exercise, I've been craving carbs. And I've been super tired lately.  All classic signs of PMS for me.  I am really hoping my recent weight gain is because of PMS.  I have been crazy all day.  ALL of my classes have been getting on my nerves.  Usually it is only 1 or 2 classes a day not ALL of them!  Little things that usually don't matter are pissing me off.  Today is a grumpy day.  Grrrr, and, I feel a diet slip coming on too.  When I PMS I get even MORE munchie!  Oh, I hope I can make it home without stopping.
So, you may be wondering why, since I've been griping about PMS, this post is titled Victory.  The answer to that is because I DIDN'T stop on my way home from work today!  I made it home with no fast food :)  Granted I ate two Fiber One Bars and an apple but that is better than fast food.  When I got home I went to Wal*Mart and bought some exercise equipment too, as a reward to myself.  I got ankle/wrist weights, an exercise ball, and a jump rope.  I figure I can use all of those while in front of the TV which works for me.  When making dinner I didn't let my food craving get in the way either.  I made baked potatoes.  I ate mine with Sour Cream (2 Tbsp, serving size), cheese, bacon bits, and tomatoes.  I'll probably have some Special K cereal for dessert later.

Heavy

Yesterday was looking like a rough day early in the morning.  First, I GAINED 3 pounds this week!  Arrrg...  It is things like that that make me want to give up.  I have done everything right this week, I've been getting more exercise, I've been eating better, I'm feeling better, but I still GAINED weight?!?  How is this possible?  Water weight?  Grrrr...  So, this already has be blah yesterday.  Then I discover that I have lost a binder at work!  Now, this binder is NOT mine and it is the 2nd one I've lost!  This is crazy!  I keep them in a locked room :(  Again, Grrrr...  I guess the only thing I can do is fess up (again) and offer to pay for them.
Now, normally this would send me running for my food.  I mean, I've been trying for a whole week giving it all I've got and what happens?  I gain weight?!?  AHHHHH!!  Why even bother?  Then, something else makes me feel bad, the prospect of getting in trouble at work, a deep seated issue that goes back years.  So, here it is 7 days in and I have my biggest test so far.
This is the time I remind myself of a few things:  1.  This competition may end in April but the life changes I make during the process will last for the rest of my life.  2.  This is a marathon not a sprint.  I need to be in this for the long haul and not worry about a little set back.  3.  I've been through hard times at work and in life before and I have survived.  This is no different (at least my performance eval. is good this time!)  4.  Weight changes for several reasons.  I intend to research those reasons and make a future blog post about them.  I know time of day, clothing, and time of month can affect weight.
As the day progressed I started feeling better.  I started researching reasons for weight gain and I had planned to buy a scale on my way home and probably some weights too (this didn't happen by the way so now the plan is to purchase one today).
I started watching a new show on A&E called HEAVY.  It comes on Monday nights and is very good.  I am so very greatful that I am not that size.  It is by the grace of God that I am not that size.  It is so inspirational to me to see these stories.  It really makes me think if these people can lose weight so can I!

A family affair

Ever since I can remember I have struggled with weight and body image.  I know my mom struggled with weight too.  She is doing awesome though and I look forward to joining her.  I think part of my weight issues come from when I was younger and how I learned to eat and what/when I learned to eat.  Now I am having to retrain my body and my mind to form better eating habits.  I am discovering this is defiantly a family affair, from my mom to my mother-in-law.  Today was a really good day.  Well, most of it anyway.  I did have a melt down this morning.  I was making breakfast for my husband and EVERYTHING was going wrong.  Dishes I had created before with no problems were not cooking and other things were burning.  My husband had made a comment last night about making the presentation of food on a plate pretty.  Well, that was NOT happening this morning.  I felt like I was letting my husband down which only made it worse.  I got mad, he got mad, we had a fight.  But things settled down and we made up.  I made it up to him at dinner tonight.  I made stuffed Portabello Mushrooms.  I even made them look pretty and had them waiting for him when he got home from work :)  I am dragging my family along with me on my journey of better eating.  I went shopping while my husband was at work and got all fresh food.  We have been doing really well with our son Oliver and feeding him good food even though we don't eat good ourselves.  I have been trying really hard to raise my son with healthy food habits.  After my little episode  this morning the rest of the day went well.  Bobby and I relaxed and pretty much just chilled until it was time for him to go to work.  After he went to work I did laundry, cleaned up some, and made dinner.  I have noticed since I started eating better, even though it has only been a week, that I have had a lot more energy and so has my husband!  I told my mother-in-law about this blog.  She has always supported my various weight loss efforts even when they failed.  I hope she reads my blog and I won't let her down this time!  In the end though I know I must do this for me.  I really think this blog will help me stay on track and stay focused.  I even found a story on Yahoo about other people who have used blogs as a weight loss tool.  I'm off to do some reading!  Check back later because I'm sure I'll start following some of these blogs :)

Sticks and Stones

I've been thinking a great deal lately about how much words can hurt and how one carelessly said comment can ruin a week's worth of building up self esteem and body image.  Here are some examples from my life:  You'd have a really pretty face, if it were a bit thinner (in college), you sound out of breath (several times after walking up a flight of stairs), Are you Ok? (people ask me this often because I guess I look like I'm limping a lot?), You are getting a little chubby, there is some pie in the kitchen (years ago from my grandma).  Some of these things were said by acquaintances, friends, family, and coworkers.  I know, or at least I would hope, that these things were not said with malice.  The effect was the same though.  It hurt.  I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I'm sad, happy, depressed, mad, bored, and hurt.  I know I need to work on this and redirect my energy.  I have to find a better way to handle my emotions and deal with them with no food involved.  The last time I experienced hurt I failed at this goal, I went to KFC.  But I have been doing better on the boredom front!  I have done well with my no food after 8pm rule ( I had desert after 8 tonight but I was really hungry and not bored and I ate healthy not junk!).  : )

My Body : My Temple :: My Home : My Castle

My body is my temple as my home is my castle and up until recently I haven't been acting like it!  I use to always think if I was going to take pride in my home then I had to own it.  I mean, what was the point of taking pride in it if I didn't own it?  Over the years of being out of my parent's house I have realized that the point of taking pride in my residence, even if I don't own it, was because I had to live there and if I didn't take care of what I had why should I be blessed with anything more?  So, I do take pride in my house.  Even though I know I'm not going to be here the rest of my life I'm going to enjoy it for the time I have it.  So over the weekend we picked up, rearranged, and hung pictures on the walls.  It feels so much better to come home now!  I don't need to wait till I own a home to feel at home!
For a long time I did the same thing with my body.  I don't have the body I want so why bother making it look nice at all?  Why bother caring what I looked like?  Why buy nice clothes?  Because, in the end they were going on my body and I didn't like my body.  Now though I do take pride in the way I look.  I buy nice clothes because I like them.  I buy clothes that flatter my body even with my size.  And, in doing this I have started to feel better about myself.  I have started to have more self confidence.  Because of all of this I'm finding weight loss easier for now and now is all I'm worried about.  I guess Fake it till you Make it really does work!  Faking feeling/looking attractive is slowly leading to Actually feeling/looking (to me) attractive.  I don't need to wait till I am ,what society calls, attractive to feel attractive!